Good Bye Decade, So Long USA

Greetings! Fellow infidels.

If you're not reading this column through the eyeholes in your burkas, or with explosives strapped under your balls, welcome! Consider yourself blessed.

On the last day of the decade, I would be remiss not to write.
I should explain the long absence between post, but I won't - I'll simply plead Kidney Stones.
I should pledge to post more in 2010, but instead, I pledge to look for a reason to.

Oh the righteous indignation is still there, and through anger mixed with humor, I love to make these two emotions dance through language. However, our country is being destroyed daily by people who've traded truth for lies:

Romans 1:25 They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself and the few chuckles I can generate here are drowned out by the cacophony of chaos presenting itself daily.

I wrote to Matt Drudge yesterday, confessing that I check his page every morning, and if it looks like we'll make it through another day, I get up and get dressed, but in the last few days of the first decade of the 21st century, all of us getting through the day no longer seems a certainty. I suggested that for the last day of the year, perhaps he lighten up. And perhaps I should take my own advice. So fine:

I'm told I write too often about Shit. "He seems to have issues with shit?" One irrelevant past acquaintance stated through a friend.

Yes. Yes I do. You see, not only do I create the stuff myself two, three, sometimes four times a day, but with three kids and a bunch of animals, its an ever-present topic. I mean, I am not anal retentive as they say. I do not keep orderly, nor do I do anything with my anus that it wasn't meant to do. Which would be a good time to (i hate to use the word "insert" here) but a good time to insert that your anus was meant to do one thing. Ask the lowly earthworm. Even he (she?) has gathered that the anus is an exit, not an entrance.

Seems shit is as good a topic to end the decade as any other - I mean its probably the most prevalent topic today. The world is turning to shit, the country is going to shit, and the shit that comes out of Barak Obama's mouth is most definitely a load of crap. Add to that the rantings of Harry Reid, the bitchiness of Barbara Boxer, the ravings of Nancy Pelosi, the hoax that is Al Gore, the idiocy that's Shmuck Shumer and the ineptitude that is Joe Biden, and you have to admit - There's a whole lot of shit being spewed in the air. If there ever were such a thing as man-made climate change, I'm sure I just presented its truest explanation.

Since we're on the subject, it might be helpful to define what an "Asshole" is here. An Asshole is a congressman who stands on the floor defending mandatory health insurance by comparing it to auto insurance. (I hope you didn't think I was going to define it anatomically?) Now to further define, I prefer to illustrate:

The congressman gives this speech because:

A. He thought of the analogy in the shower, and believes it to be true
B. He thinks you are stupid and will not think any further for yourself
C. He's counting on enough of you being stupid to buy his analogy, but couldn't care less if you don't because he's been promised over 200 million dollars.
D. He believes you are sheep.

B, C, and D -

For those who may need remedial thinking - Comparing Federal Mandatory Health insurance to State Mandatory Auto Insurance is so stupid that of course this aforementioned Asshole knows this. Auto insurance is one requirement of a state licensed activity that you can choose not to do. To follow their analogy every citizen would have to buy Auto insurance. Whether you're 18 months old, or blind, in other words even if you don;t drive. This congressman is well aware that the government has no place whatsoever, no authority whatsoever, telling you how to spend your money - but he doesn't care. Like the anatomical asshole, he has to spew forth shit. It's what he does.

By the way, most recently it was a congresswoman making this argument and she got it straight from her boss, who said it first:

http://boortz.com/nealz_nuze/2009/09/afterthought-obamas-auto-insur.html

Therefore Anus = Exit
Asshole = Lying congressman or President

Therefore, through the Commutative Property of addition, Obama and likely your democratic congressmen and women are "Anuses."

Here's a list of where Anuses who are trying to sell you a big pile of shit:

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/12/21/price-right-payoffs-senators-typical-health-care/


Anyway, I'm at the office, and I've reached that tipping point. The one where you choose to go to a public bathroom hoping you get a few minutes alone time, over sitting at your desk being uncomfortable. My walk to the facilities takes me the same direction each time, where I have the same two thoughts - 1. Are the other half dozen men on the floor seated at their desks, and therefore not where I'm going, and 2. This bit of discomfort is going to make the next few hours much more bearable.

Today, these thoughts are joined by a third; more of a profundity. Shit is one of those rare entities, where a little is just as bad as a lot. "Jim, you have a little shit on your shoe," is to me just as bad, as "Jim -you just stepped in a pile of shit." Or maybe not. But in any case, my musings have brought me to the door, where I open carefully and quietly because if someone is inside, I will close the door, and come back later or take the stairs down to the lower level bathroom and repeat.

If the coast is clear, I have to act swiftly. I go to the far stall (away from the urinal) and put down two pieces of paper pulled from the paper towel dispenser and I leave the rest to your imagination. Today however, was one of those unfortunate days where I noted there was quite a good amount (bad amount?) of shit and shit stains on the rear of the bowl, and surrounding the seat and there is where our good old-fashioned pondering and possible life lessons begin:

There is somebody assigned here to clean the toilets. Now, obviously we don't have a bathroom attendant who cleans after every person, and this isn't a complaint. I am pointing out here that somebody has drawn the short stick in life, where whatever he did throughout his life has brought him to the point where it's now his job to clean other people's shit. Talk about being humble. The Hindu (or Hindi?) would say he did something in an earlier life to warrant this. While I don't believe this, I can still think Rahm Emanuel.

Now Amazingly, if you've figured out how to turn cleaning up dog shit into a $750 weekly tax free cash income, this doesn't apply. It occurs to me that the person with the shit wiping job most likely did not imagine himself doing this, nor did he likely do anything specific to find himself in this position. It was most likely not a punishment, and in fact unless he's come from another janitorial career, it's unlikely his resume mentions it.

COVER LETTER: Gentleman, I am presently employed as the executive washroom attendant for a medium size company. Most of the employees are obese men with bad hygiene so I have developed unique ways of keeping bowls shit free. I personally instituted odd and even stall numbers and use hidden web cams to locate errant shit before it offends. I am sure I would be an asset to your company.

But here he is today, and his job is to clean the rim. So this had me thinking about the owners and other management executives. Surely whomever crapped so hard that it splashed up the side of the bowl onto the rim, noticed what they'd done?

IN fact, I have on several occasions witnessed an odd, albeit disgusting site - one or more large logs, lazily floating in a bowl of water with nary a piece of toilet tissue in sight. Now, laws of physics aside, can you imagine the arrogance? I mean the utter gall to just stand up and say, "THAT'S IT, I'm DONE," and then just stand up and walk out?

"Screw it, somebody else will flush. And this time, ya know what? I really don't feel like wiping my ass either, deal with it."

OK, so that's probably not how its happening, but how then? I just haven't been able to wrap my brain around this problem. Has anyone else - I mean, not at my company - come across this? Two floaters, no paper? It's like a mind puzzle. Please, anyone - Kindly break the code.

New theory - Not likely either, but at least it doesn't upset natural laws:

The guy or guys, (I'm assuming, as crazy as some woman at my office are, this isn't a female sneaking into the mens room), are bringing their own doodies from home, and depositing them into the bowls at work.

Why?

I have no idea. Now, a web cam might tell us whom (if it's one person), who (if there are multiple offenders), but it will not tell us why.

In fact, I've always thought the term to "take a shit" is rather odd. You don't take one, you leave a few. Hmmmm - Perhaps?

Well, Anyway - somebody in the case of the present story - which involved not floaters, simply bad stains, Somebody had to think, "Somebody else will take care of that." And something inside of me, had the fleeting thought of wiping this anonymous crap to save the next poor dude the indignity. I suppose that's how we're all interconnected. I didn't of course. Proving that our selfish drive is greater than any spiritual connection we may have.

Back to our bathroom attendant/sweeper/duster/garbage emptier dude - and why he should be highly honored. In today's Obama-Nation, this man could choose to stay home and support his family collecting section eight housing allowance, food stamps, and either at least a year and half unemployment, or disability in perpetuity like tens of millions of others who have figured out that they don't actually need to work. He can find an $800 per month subsidized housing apartment, and collect nearly $2,000 in handouts, plus food coupons. His kids will have cell phones and Game Boys and Xboxes, and other toys, because we've created a giant nanny state through a government that's grown exponentially larger than its purpose. There are no poor people in the United States. Huh? Spend a day in Calcutta, or Kabul or Juarez Mexico and then try to challenge that statement.

Yet, this man chooses to get up and go to work for $9 per hour, taking home less than $350 per week after the taxes that permit those tens of millions of others to stay home. He chooses to have some self-worth and work hard hoping the next opportunity will present itself. And guess what? The opportunity is a hell of a lot more likely to present itself in or just outside the executive washroom or in the mailroom at a million different companies, than it is likely to show up at your door, while you're on the couch sucking down a Food Stamp bought Red Bull, watching Oprah in the middle of the day. Most people choose the nanny over the shit sponge, and that's what makes this guy a hero - a real American. Even if he doesn't speak a word of English, and doesn't have a green card.

Probably in the countries that people flee from in order to come to America, even if they wind up cleaning crap off our toilet seats, cleaning shit is a step up. We've grown too rich and selfish to even consider this.

Today, the far left lies, and cheats and commits felony crime and destroys our constitution under the guise of healthcare reform. Yet, not a single person dies in this country for being turned away from a hospital. Perfectly good three page bills to overhaul the system, bring prices down and make policies more affordable are ignored in favor of enormous 2000 plus page pork bills because the goal has nothing to do with healthcare. Ultimately, the goal is to create a larger class of people sitting at home getting government handouts - or a less likely government position. You may be lucky - Working for Government Motors, or Government banking, Government Healthcare or Government insert any industry here. I'm thinking Government Washroom Attendant.

Oh there's certainly "Change" afoot. It's the Hope that's rapidly disappearing.

So let's not look back at the lying shit we've seen and heard. Ignore the radical connections and friends of our great leader. Ignore the horrendous resumes of his Czars. Ignore the fact even that he calls them Czars and we don't flinch. Ignore fraud on a level that the human mind can't fathom. ACORN, Freddie and Fannie, and a list too long and painful to ponder. Ignore how many zeros are in a trillion. Make believe it's not happening.

But let's close 2009 with a sobering truism. Regardless of how bad it gets, regardless of your mood, somewhere out there, somewhere in this once great nation of ours.... there's a Mr. Pelosi.

And somebody, probably not him, cleans his toilet.

Hey Security Czar! Here's How it's Done!

You’re working at the US embassy in Nigeria and this guy makes an appointment and comes to you to say:

"My son is someone you need to be aware of."

STOP RIGHT THERE.

You say: What is his name, and where is he now?

Then you politely say, hold that thought – and you get to your computer or to your assistant.....

And BAM this name and all of his details appear in every international airport with flights to the US - "The No Fly List."

Then you go back and sit with the man and ask his specific concerns.

DUH!!!

What's all this BS about not having intelligence? Or not connecting dots.

The way this works has to be You have a NO FLY list that’s the most up to date – Live feed on the planet – Period.