Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?"
I had lunch with a friend who told me his daughter just graduated from college as a dance major. My sympathy was left hanging thick in the air, left unspoken because If you’re the father of a girl, "Advanced Pole" obviously crosses your mind.
Reality check: Dance is not a freaking academic subject. It's voluntarily (usually) - contorting your body, often to music - or perhaps to a chant, as in the case of ritual sacrifice, devil worship or perhaps to make it rain.
If you can get the thought of sloppy drunk men stuffing dollar bills into your little princess’ panties out of your mind, you’ll wonder how else she’ll support herself if she fails Pole 101.
Obviously, there’s only one option, which is teaching dance. Otherwise known as siphoning disposable income from suburban single moms who didn’t pass their pole auditions either. So begins the viscous cycle.
At the university level, what do you do in a classroom all day when you major in Dance? What can you possibly do sitting at a desk?
I can think of very few people with successful dance careers. Let’s see….Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers and Gregory Hines. Maybe Mary Poppins. And then I think there’s a Geoffrey Ballet, but how the
Toys -R-Us Giraffe mascot relates to a ballet club (or troupe - with a silent “e” just to be more annoying) eludes me.
By the way if you want to name your kid Jeffrey, but opt for the spelling Geoffrey, you deserve a lifetime of painful kidney stones to make up for the total disregard for a life of ridicule you’re imposing on your son. Of course you may be one of the lucky ones who one day will get to see him perform Swan Lake in adult feety pajamas, and savor a singular tear of joy when some dude named Boris, Americanized to Bruce, hands him a dozen roses just off curtain.
So what are some electives when you major in a subject that’s really just a thing to do with your body? What’s the curriculum?
Nose Picking?
COURSE OUTLINE:
“By the end of the year students should be able to stick any finger up to the knuckle, pull out, roll and flick perfectly formed boogers in one fluid motion.” Life credit is given to all male class members with a valid drivers license, for their experience with this skill at every red light in history.
Students successfully completing this class are eligible for Hock a Loogey 101.
When my son switched from private Christian school where he was actually forced to think, to public school where thinking is severely discouraged, the idea of majoring in Dance with a minor in thumb sucking became perfectly clear.
I went to pick him up at school early yesterday and was told that he was watching lip synch practice.
This, just one day after I called the school to ask why he’s watcing Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs in science class and received a brief unintelligible note from his science teacher.
Excuse me? I said “Did you say Lip Synch?
Yes.
I picked up a stapler and smacked myself in the face with open end just to see if perhaps this was a weird dream, and I’d better get up before I was late for reality.
Six thousand years of history has seen many civilizations rise and fall. I think it’s safe to say we’re doomed.
Reality check: Dance is not a freaking academic subject. It's voluntarily (usually) - contorting your body, often to music - or perhaps to a chant, as in the case of ritual sacrifice, devil worship or perhaps to make it rain.
If you can get the thought of sloppy drunk men stuffing dollar bills into your little princess’ panties out of your mind, you’ll wonder how else she’ll support herself if she fails Pole 101.
Obviously, there’s only one option, which is teaching dance. Otherwise known as siphoning disposable income from suburban single moms who didn’t pass their pole auditions either. So begins the viscous cycle.
At the university level, what do you do in a classroom all day when you major in Dance? What can you possibly do sitting at a desk?
I can think of very few people with successful dance careers. Let’s see….Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers and Gregory Hines. Maybe Mary Poppins. And then I think there’s a Geoffrey Ballet, but how the
Toys -R-Us Giraffe mascot relates to a ballet club (or troupe - with a silent “e” just to be more annoying) eludes me.
By the way if you want to name your kid Jeffrey, but opt for the spelling Geoffrey, you deserve a lifetime of painful kidney stones to make up for the total disregard for a life of ridicule you’re imposing on your son. Of course you may be one of the lucky ones who one day will get to see him perform Swan Lake in adult feety pajamas, and savor a singular tear of joy when some dude named Boris, Americanized to Bruce, hands him a dozen roses just off curtain.
So what are some electives when you major in a subject that’s really just a thing to do with your body? What’s the curriculum?
Nose Picking?
COURSE OUTLINE:
“By the end of the year students should be able to stick any finger up to the knuckle, pull out, roll and flick perfectly formed boogers in one fluid motion.” Life credit is given to all male class members with a valid drivers license, for their experience with this skill at every red light in history.
Students successfully completing this class are eligible for Hock a Loogey 101.
When my son switched from private Christian school where he was actually forced to think, to public school where thinking is severely discouraged, the idea of majoring in Dance with a minor in thumb sucking became perfectly clear.
I went to pick him up at school early yesterday and was told that he was watching lip synch practice.
This, just one day after I called the school to ask why he’s watcing Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs in science class and received a brief unintelligible note from his science teacher.
Excuse me? I said “Did you say Lip Synch?
Yes.
I picked up a stapler and smacked myself in the face with open end just to see if perhaps this was a weird dream, and I’d better get up before I was late for reality.
Six thousand years of history has seen many civilizations rise and fall. I think it’s safe to say we’re doomed.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Climate School - Change without the Hope
Follow me here, this is idiot proof.
Clear your mind. That means:
Forget what you've heard, forget what you've read.
Forget the inconsistencies and the false data
Forget the true data
Forget the 1970's when it was about cooling and an ice age
Forget global warming causes both greater warmth AND extra cold and snow?
Forget the politics of cap and trade
Forget the email scandals
Forget glacial melting and sea level measurements.
Now with a blank slate, pretend you took the short bus, wearing your hockey helmet to school today and follow along - It's simple!
Ever since God said "Let there be Light," or ever since the "Big Bang" if you've made "science" your religion - and we all see how well that's working out...But ever since whatever you perceive to be the beginning - The Earth rotates and revolves around the Sun.
WAIT! - Let's do this as bullet points for fear of losing some remedial readers -
The Earth spins on its axis.
While spinning, the Earth revolves around the Sun.
The Sun revolves within a Galaxy
And the galaxy moves too, and so on throughout the Universe.
With me?
OF COURSE THERE'S FREAKING CLIMATE CHANGE!!!!
THE EARTH SPINS
THE EARTH ROTATES
THE SUN ROTATES
THE SUN CHANGES, THE EARTH CHANGES
THE ONLY THING THAT'S CONSTANT IN THE UNIVERSE IS CHANGE!!!
We didn't cause it, and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.
Get it?
IF THERE WERE NO CLIMATE CHANGE, WE'D HAVE TO THROW OUT EVERY LAW OF PHYSICS!
Now, if you've let that sink in - Allow your own imagination to guess why both bad people and well intentioned people want to ignore this in order to create policy that benefits their own agenda.
You see, there's actual truth (see bullets above) -
Then there is so called "science" - which can create or manipulate facts to any end.
Once you've grasped that you've probably been duped into whatever side of this argument you believe - because it didn't consider the larger picture - Think where else this has happened in society and in your mind, and why.
Next lesson, Evolution -
For all the same faulty reasoning, you somehow believe that you started from nothing. Life began as a single celled organism, that started from some chemicals, that came from no-where. You have also been taught to believe that your entire code in a single strand of DNA was not programmed and created, but happened by accident - AND you're willing to believe your distant family members were apes!
AMAZING!
Both of these topics, where we've pushed aside the obvious and replaced answers with man-made silliness, leave out one thing - or rather one person. GOD.
Believe in God and the scales fall from your eyes, and you see the Universe He created just as He created it, and just as He said so.
1 Corinthians 1:20 -
Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?
Clear your mind. That means:
Forget what you've heard, forget what you've read.
Forget the inconsistencies and the false data
Forget the true data
Forget the 1970's when it was about cooling and an ice age
Forget global warming causes both greater warmth AND extra cold and snow?
Forget the politics of cap and trade
Forget the email scandals
Forget glacial melting and sea level measurements.
Now with a blank slate, pretend you took the short bus, wearing your hockey helmet to school today and follow along - It's simple!
Ever since God said "Let there be Light," or ever since the "Big Bang" if you've made "science" your religion - and we all see how well that's working out...But ever since whatever you perceive to be the beginning - The Earth rotates and revolves around the Sun.
WAIT! - Let's do this as bullet points for fear of losing some remedial readers -
The Earth spins on its axis.
While spinning, the Earth revolves around the Sun.
The Sun revolves within a Galaxy
And the galaxy moves too, and so on throughout the Universe.
With me?
OF COURSE THERE'S FREAKING CLIMATE CHANGE!!!!
THE EARTH SPINS
THE EARTH ROTATES
THE SUN ROTATES
THE SUN CHANGES, THE EARTH CHANGES
THE ONLY THING THAT'S CONSTANT IN THE UNIVERSE IS CHANGE!!!
We didn't cause it, and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.
Get it?
IF THERE WERE NO CLIMATE CHANGE, WE'D HAVE TO THROW OUT EVERY LAW OF PHYSICS!
Now, if you've let that sink in - Allow your own imagination to guess why both bad people and well intentioned people want to ignore this in order to create policy that benefits their own agenda.
You see, there's actual truth (see bullets above) -
Then there is so called "science" - which can create or manipulate facts to any end.
Once you've grasped that you've probably been duped into whatever side of this argument you believe - because it didn't consider the larger picture - Think where else this has happened in society and in your mind, and why.
Next lesson, Evolution -
For all the same faulty reasoning, you somehow believe that you started from nothing. Life began as a single celled organism, that started from some chemicals, that came from no-where. You have also been taught to believe that your entire code in a single strand of DNA was not programmed and created, but happened by accident - AND you're willing to believe your distant family members were apes!
AMAZING!
Both of these topics, where we've pushed aside the obvious and replaced answers with man-made silliness, leave out one thing - or rather one person. GOD.
Believe in God and the scales fall from your eyes, and you see the Universe He created just as He created it, and just as He said so.
1 Corinthians 1:20 -
Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Go Take a Flying.....
35,000 feet in the air and I'm still shaking my head over the sheer idiocy of it. Atlanta airport sees thousands of young soldiers headed out or returning from duty. I feel an emotional sense of gratitude toward each of these mostly young men, and I look for an opening to simply say thanks. If I am at a food kiosk, I.ll pay for a coke or cup of coffee for these brave heroes.
They are dressed in fatigues, and carrying heavy backpacks. I note that today's fatigues are designed for desert camouflage, in lighter muted colors than the dark greens of yesteryear, because the battle has shifted from the tropical rain-forests to the mountainous deserts in much more forbidding places on the planet.
These kids, headed off to protect my family and yours have committed their very lives to military service, and there.s a real possibility that some will not return home. Yet, the TSA in its infinite wisdom, has these men standing in the same long lines as the rest of us waiting to strip down for security.
I marvel at the fact that of the six working screening lines, they haven't set aside at least one exclusively for these heros. Instead, they wait like the rest of us idiots to remove their combat boots, open their laptops and place all of their items in plastic trays.
As a TSA worker wheels a giant cart of trays over, I briefly think about the windfall profit to the company that makes these battleship grey trays, and imagine the day the owner who previously shipped 100 a day to local diners across the country, received the government contract for 10 million needed immediately.
After this bizarre thought, I catch the eye of the soldier in line ahead of me and I say, "This is unbelievable! You guys should have your own line, to walk right through. And Thank you. Thanks fior your service."
He thanks me back, and I stop myself from saying what I'm thinking. "I hope this pisses you off a little and you take that with you to the battlefield." I.m angry now, as I watch a line of seven soliders disrobing and undergoing the indignity. Its an unfunny joke.
"Personally," I say getting his attention again. Id like to see all of you walk through fully armed."
He laughs.
Two muslim woman with their headresses are walking through the metal detector, and are alolowed to pass quickly. Nobody has checked to see if they have hidden anything in their scarfs, which could certainly hold more explosives that that shmuck in his underwear,
If these guys have to unlace their heavy boots, these woman should have to remove their scarfs. Apparent;ly some bitch will have to bring down a plane before homeland security gets as smart as me,.
Theres an old jewish man being hand screened. He has his arms in the air and they are waving a wand all over him, while his wheelchair bound wife waits. She;ll be next. I have yet to hear of an old Jewish couple terrorist team. They are both much more thoroughly screened than the two Muslim woman who choose to follow a religion that commands them to kill the infidel wherever and however they can.
As far as I am concerned, their clothing choice denotes their support. PLEASE! Leave Mr. Rosenberg alone and double check the Burkas please.
Christian is excited to have me back, and he's my new best friend as I walk him to the potty at The Office, a restaurant in Ridgewood, NJ. He's proudly wearing my security badge around his neck. It is dangling down to his pecker, so that when he pulls his pants down, he pees right into it, and it splashes back all over himself.
He finds this funny.
This is before he knocked a newly poured 16 ounce glass of ice water onto my lap, and before Karina, so over come with laughter, spits her huge mouthful of chocolate milk into my face.
It's good to be back from Atlanta, This is exactly what those brave kids are fighting for. Give them their own line!
They are dressed in fatigues, and carrying heavy backpacks. I note that today's fatigues are designed for desert camouflage, in lighter muted colors than the dark greens of yesteryear, because the battle has shifted from the tropical rain-forests to the mountainous deserts in much more forbidding places on the planet.
These kids, headed off to protect my family and yours have committed their very lives to military service, and there.s a real possibility that some will not return home. Yet, the TSA in its infinite wisdom, has these men standing in the same long lines as the rest of us waiting to strip down for security.
I marvel at the fact that of the six working screening lines, they haven't set aside at least one exclusively for these heros. Instead, they wait like the rest of us idiots to remove their combat boots, open their laptops and place all of their items in plastic trays.
As a TSA worker wheels a giant cart of trays over, I briefly think about the windfall profit to the company that makes these battleship grey trays, and imagine the day the owner who previously shipped 100 a day to local diners across the country, received the government contract for 10 million needed immediately.
After this bizarre thought, I catch the eye of the soldier in line ahead of me and I say, "This is unbelievable! You guys should have your own line, to walk right through. And Thank you. Thanks fior your service."
He thanks me back, and I stop myself from saying what I'm thinking. "I hope this pisses you off a little and you take that with you to the battlefield." I.m angry now, as I watch a line of seven soliders disrobing and undergoing the indignity. Its an unfunny joke.
"Personally," I say getting his attention again. Id like to see all of you walk through fully armed."
He laughs.
Two muslim woman with their headresses are walking through the metal detector, and are alolowed to pass quickly. Nobody has checked to see if they have hidden anything in their scarfs, which could certainly hold more explosives that that shmuck in his underwear,
If these guys have to unlace their heavy boots, these woman should have to remove their scarfs. Apparent;ly some bitch will have to bring down a plane before homeland security gets as smart as me,.
Theres an old jewish man being hand screened. He has his arms in the air and they are waving a wand all over him, while his wheelchair bound wife waits. She;ll be next. I have yet to hear of an old Jewish couple terrorist team. They are both much more thoroughly screened than the two Muslim woman who choose to follow a religion that commands them to kill the infidel wherever and however they can.
As far as I am concerned, their clothing choice denotes their support. PLEASE! Leave Mr. Rosenberg alone and double check the Burkas please.
Christian is excited to have me back, and he's my new best friend as I walk him to the potty at The Office, a restaurant in Ridgewood, NJ. He's proudly wearing my security badge around his neck. It is dangling down to his pecker, so that when he pulls his pants down, he pees right into it, and it splashes back all over himself.
He finds this funny.
This is before he knocked a newly poured 16 ounce glass of ice water onto my lap, and before Karina, so over come with laughter, spits her huge mouthful of chocolate milk into my face.
It's good to be back from Atlanta, This is exactly what those brave kids are fighting for. Give them their own line!
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