We get a phone call at 4:45AM from our office manager’s husband who is looking for her.
According to my wife, waking up from the phone isn’t nearly as bad as laying awake for the rest of the morning wondering where she might be at a quarter to five in the morning.
Turns out, she was driving to Georgetown to deliver a wallet to her brother-in-law who needed it before he went to work, and had left the house about 4AM.
The 4:45AM call to us, was her husband thinking she had the work phone and wondering where she was.
My wife calls me at the office at 9AM.
“Why did “Duke” call at 4:45? Where was Trisa so early?”
I hesitate for a moment, “Well I can tell you and it will take about 10 minutes, or she can tell you and it will take 45 Minutes, which do you prefer?
“Just tell me,” she says.
Have I mentioned that I haven’t started sipping my coffee yet?
“OK, Duke’s brother left his wallet, and Trisa took it to him.”
My wife goes ballistic. “WHY DID SHE GO?!!! IT’S NOT HER BROTHER! AND WHY IS HE MAD?”
“Good question….” I look across the office at Trisa and I’m about to ask, but then I hesitate and ask my wife, “WAIT…..Why are you yelling at ME?”
“Good question….” I look across the office at Trisa and I’m about to ask, but then I hesitate and ask my wife, “WAIT…..Why are you yelling at ME?”
“’UGH! CAUSE YOU’RE.....CAUSE YOU’RE, UGH! SO STUPID,” she says, as if that answer is perfectly obvious. “I HAVE TO GO,” she says and hangs up.
This is a perfect picture of marriage.
If you’re somebody’s husband: 1. You’re never innocent 2. In most cases, you can easily be replaced by the family dog.
My brain, although sleep deprived and empty of caffeine, is still fully aware that I played absolutely no part in this drama. Nevertheless, I quickly rewind the tape in my mind:
4:45AM – Telephone rings
I awake abruptly, scanning the room for intruders, looking for a heavy object, smelling for smoke and trying to adjust from deep sleep to wide awake.
One of my cats is staring at me, probably thinking, “You’re lucky I’m down here at your feet. If I was still up on that pillow, and you’d jumped like that, you’d be bleeding across your face right now.”
Wife has unintelligible conversation on the phone. Walks into bathroom. I fall back asleep.
4:50AM – Wife begins talking as if I am awake. She announces, “Great, now I won’t sleep, wondering where in the world Trisa is at 4:45AM.”
I think, Great, now I won’t sleep wondering if she’s going to fall asleep or keep talking to me.
6AM – Wife’s alarm rings.
She has told me that her exercise program is called INSANITY because it’s difficult. I imagine it’s called “INSANITY” because it is my opinion that anyone who gets up at 6AM for an aerobic workout has mental issues that trump physical health needs. I keep this thought to myself.
She has told me that her exercise program is called INSANITY because it’s difficult. I imagine it’s called “INSANITY” because it is my opinion that anyone who gets up at 6AM for an aerobic workout has mental issues that trump physical health needs. I keep this thought to myself.
Now the cat takes its place on her pillow, next to me. My wife mumbles something as she’s getting dressed. I don’t catch a word of it, but I can swear the cat rolls its eyes incredulously.
9AM – Wife calls me at office. We have the conversation above ending with the declaration….“CAUSE YOU’RE SO STUPID.”
THE TAPE IN MY BRAIN STOPS
I’m drawing a blank.
If you’re married more than 5 years however, this is actually comforting. Better oblivious to your part in her anger, than actually knowing what you did wrong. That’ll buy you a few more hours of ignorant bliss.
10AM – Wife texts from an industry networking meeting that history has taught me is often a complete waste of time filled with stupid ice-breaking games and embarrassing exercises aimed at sharing “feelings.” It is usually populated by 50 females, 1 or 2 males (questionably), and led by a kook or two with assorted graduate level letters after their names.
WIFE VIA TEXT: “Right now I’m folding paper into a flower…
10:05AM WIFE VIA TEXT: "Now we’re listening to songs and guessing what they are…”
After the second message, I text back: “It’s a good thing YOU went. I’d be too stupid to participate.”
She texts back. “You’re finally catching on?”
I smile. Apparently after 16 years with me, my wife is developing an inkling of a sense of humor.
Then again, she may be 100% serious.
IN SUMMARY:
Went to sleep. Awoke by phone at 4:45AM.
Took kids to school, went to work.
Answered call from wife.
I’ve got it now! How stupid of me!
