I surrender!

Forget that last night my daughter who has been to the doctor six (6), count them six times in two weeks – probably because she insists on playing in the kids area, which like Chucky Cheese has been sneezed on and snot wiped since the Nixon administration – had either a urinary tract infection or some neurological issue associated with her upcoming surgery. She was up past midnight whining potty and ..oh, nevermind...that I have to call the doctor this morning again to take her during lunch today.

Forget that my son needs to go to a special school for five weeks this summer at a cost of $7,500 - $7,499 of which I do not have – and the process to get him an interview is about as complicated as an 1120S form for a sub chapter S corp. with 10,000 employees – and that while I now have enough documentation to become an Iranian Citizen and was supposed to copy it all and mail it today - my wife left out line ONE - His social security number. And forget that when I called her about it she yelled at ME.

Never mind that all morning I’ve been screamed at so loudly and obnoxiously -(I’m guessing severe monthly cycle issue here) that if I were a puppy I would have peed on the floor.

Forget all that.

Today I was late for work because I got pulled over by a cop.......For HAVING MY RIGHT HAND IN MY HAIR! (I almost said ON MY PENIS – but that would have made some sense).

Normally, when you get pulled over – I say normally, because it’s a weekly thing with me – you have some clue as to why. Perhaps a lane change, a broken tail light – maybe you’re DWW – Driving While White – Yes, I’ve been stopped for driving while white in a black neighborhood – and no I wasn’t buying drugs. That time.

But this time I hadn’t a clue. “License, Registration, etc.”
Me with the stunned look of a deer in the headlights, and a very loud “WHAT?” as in WTF? Followed by several of these ”!!!!!”
“What do you mean, WHAT? - Were you on the phone?”

Not only was I not on the phone. I didn’t HAVE MY PHONE!!!!

“OK, How about your seat belt? Your seat belt is not on. Was it on?”

My seatbelt is not on you Fking genius because I leaned over to get you my Fking registration and insurance card.

“Yes sir. It was.”

“Then have a nice day Mr. Forman.”

WELL IT’S TOO F*CKING LATE FOR THAT NOW ISN’T IT?

So here’s what I’m going to do:
From now on anytime I pass a cop – regardless of where, how and why – I’m just going to pull over, get out of the car, lay on the ground on my stomach, cross my hands behind my back...and surrender.

Too extreme?

OK – I’ll just always drive with a box of donuts